What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I said to her

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I was very sick at this time too.

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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Was to survive, this bastard.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

As an inmate did you have to live alongside a bully for your whole sentence?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

All the time i was locked up.

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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

And i lived it daily.

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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I had hoped to write a book about this .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

She married twice! .

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

What did i know ?

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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

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So, i spoilt her more .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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I of course replied” arh beautiful!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

So whats the point in blame.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

When she asked me how she looked .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I was seconnd youngest,

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I think the readers, may guess!

My life is so biszare .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Put me off passion for life!!

Who then, do I blame.?

She loved him until the end.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

This is soul school!.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

He knew the spot.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

He was dying to do it , i knew.

She wouldn,t have been !

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

But, we were locked up after school.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

We were not on the streets..

Comes on , in middle age.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I will be 64.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I write beautiful poetry .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Especially a lifetime of it.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

We all went to grammer schools

It was going to be , some day.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I was scared of men, in general

I don,t even have a pension.

As i do to all so called friends.?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

But ive been too sick for many years..

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Why did i forgive my father ?

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But it wasn’t much.

He resisted the act ,that day.

(And it was in our own minds.)

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

One cannot live in the past .

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

She was in good health!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I couldn’t, believe it.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I have no regrets .

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Im still living with it.

Ive learnt so much.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I waited trembling.

She found it foreign!.

Would this be the day?

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I could never make a relationship work though!

I was 9 years of age.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I never cut or harmed myself..

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

My family never makes their pension either.